


What about you, Steven ?

by Nigamiestmajeur_e



Series: His therapist is a Shooting Star [4]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Post-Finale, Spoilers, Steven Universe Future, Steven finally goes to therapy, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23544667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nigamiestmajeur_e/pseuds/Nigamiestmajeur_e
Summary: Finding a good therapist for Steven Universe wasn't the easiest mission they ever had.
Series: His therapist is a Shooting Star [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755940
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47





	1. Eleven O'Clock

First of all there was no therapist in Beach City, which was strange for a place with so many magical things and creatures attacks.There were a lot, A LOT of restaurants, but not that many of medical offices... not at all, actually. My stars, that town was really lucky to have Steven to help them, yeah they were lucky so lucky he was able to fix everything no wait don't think about it it wasn't anyone fault after all...

Secondly, if Gems culture was present in human history for hundreds of years, it didn't mean everyone knew what the hell this was about. Greg was right : how could doctors help Steven when they didn't learn about Gems ? Heck, Steven would always remember Dr. Maheswaran's face when they both understood why Steven's skeleton was this bold.  
It was so it could stretch, getting longer and thiner when he was shape-shifting. Of course. Totally normal. The doctor even suggested that his healing powers prevented him to feel the pain his transformations caused. Great. Cool.

Anyway, Steven was having a bad time discovering his mind and body's limits. Not to mention that, thirdly, sometimes when they could find a therapist that seemed comfortable with the Gem stuff, it wasn't a therapist Steven was comfortable with. For example, when Steven explained his powers, one told him that he had to put aside his needs since responsibilities were implied with that kind of powers. Yeah. Or, when Steven described his outburst with his father, another told him he was complaining that no one understood him while he understood no one. Steven was shaken by this and spent the entire afternoon after his appointment apologizing to his father about his behavior. It took a lot of Greg's patience to calm him down, explaining to him that Steven didn't have to try to understand anyone other than himself. That it was okay to be angry, angry at him, or sad, or jealous, and then he stayed for the night, telling stories about his parents, about Rose, about the van, about Steven when he was little, how he was sometimes the worst baby he had ever met.

Greg was really here to help his son, going with him to see Connie's mum and discovering more about the injuries Steven had physically, about why Steven should consult a doctor some times, laughing at some of Steven's scanners which made the young man smile instead of worrying about the weird shape of his intestines. Greg was still Sadie and Shep's manager but he decided to wait until Steven find someone to take care of him before he would go on tour again, organizing the band's concerts from Steven's house. He also used the computer he bought to work to search some addresses, names, he called friends and even relatives to have advices about therapy, he read books, did drawings, discovered the different diagnosis and treatments you could receive.  
At some point, he did have a conversation with Dr. Maheswaran about pills, if it could have effects on Steven and if he should take some. The wise woman wanted to know more about Steven's brain before making a statement and all of this was so well done and so well prepared how could this feel messed-up and organized at the same time ?

Steven was going to find a therapist.  
Steven was going to recover from the trauma.  
Steven was going to take care of himself instead of taking care of everyone else.  
So why did that feel... like the scariest thing he ever challenged ? He saved his family, saved the Earth, saved the universe and yet... this felt like something not as easy. Something he didn't make easy either.

Because here was the fourth thing : Steven didn't want to go to therapy.

He didn't say it to the Gems, especially not to Connie who was the one who claimed, the morning after he went berserk both figuratively and physically, that he needed to talk to a specialist. The Gems and his Dad agreed quickly, even the Diamonds while they had no clue to what a specialist was. He didn't say it to anyone, didn't cancel the appointments his Dad made, didn't pretend to listen to the many men and women he saw, didn't run away from home where his family waited for him with vegan ice-cream to talk about it and to reassure him because it could take times to find the right therapist it could take time or maybe it would never happen thought Steven because... Anyway.

Steven was glad to be supported... to be... no... to be the one with issues... to be the one who needed to talk and not the one who needed to listen... No... Steven couldn't handle this. But he didn't forget everything his friends told him while he was a giant monster. He didn't forget how he cried, not like when he was a kid, but like a catharsis, like those tears were inside for so long. The problem was that he didn't want to share those tears anymore, with anyone, especially a stranger. He was more comfortable to see someone cry... okay that came up weirdly. He even caught himself sometimes asking the therapists if they were alright, which seemed to not be what a patient should do.

* * *

"This time, I won't ask them if they had a good childhood", he promised himself while starting up the car.

It was two weeks and 8 therapists after the incident.  
The new therapist Steven was going to see worked in a small village next to Charm City, 40 minutes by car from his house but Shep recommended her so much that Greg called the cabinet right away. "She's worth the road-trip, trust me", they said. Well, it wasn't like he had something to lose since his dad was a millionaire and he had all the time in the world.

Still, he accelerated when he went out of Beach City, taking deep breath so he didn't remember that time when he was behind the wheel yes that time no he shouldn't remember he shouldn't remember the wheel. The wheel between his hands. The accident. No. Stop. He shouldn't remember the main reason why he didn't want to see a therapist.  
Why he was so scared. Yes. Scared.  
He was so scared that talking to someone would make him pink again. And he didn't want to.  
Gosh he didn't want to.

He took a deep breath. He tried to forget. He tried to anchor himself in the present, and when he was finally out of the woods, he did. After all, the road was nice, the sun was high, such a pretty morning after the chaos.

He quickly arrived in front of a tiny building with blue shutters and white-tinted windows, beautiful flowers blooming on boxes in front of each of them. He parked, watched the golden sheets next to the front door to be sure it was the right address and saw that there were a sophrologist, an hypnotherapist, a psychologist, a psychotherapist.

Steven missed an heartbeat when he saw the name of the therapist he was about to meet, he didn't know if it was a sign or something but, right under her name in capital was engraved her signature and... instead of a dot above the "i", there was a star. It was... no. It was just a coincidence. How could someone he didn't even know manage all the things he went through ? How was it even possible that... No...  
What if that therapist messed him up ?  
Or, worst, what if he messed up that therapist ?  
No... He shouldn't have too much hope. He didn't want to remember Greg and Connie explaining to him that it could take times before finding the right doctor for him.  
There wasn't a right doctor.

Still, he took another deep breath, looked at his phone to check the time, saw that Connie sent him a "Thinking of you!" message and he smiled.  
It was eleven o' clock.  
He rang.


	2. Between walls

There was only one waiting room for the entire office so when Steven entered, someone was already sitting on one of the three black sofa reading a book called _Shadow and Bone_. Even though he went to a lot of offices, the waiting room was still the most uncomfortable part of... well... everything.

"Will I look strange if I sit far from this person ? I want to give them some private space but maybe they'll think I avoid them because I think they're crazy we are in a therapy office after all but that means I'm crazy too or should I talk to them ? Should I read something ? I could text Connie..."

But he didn't have time to text Connie or even sit because a woman with chocolate hair, sepia eyes and a warm smile opened the door and said : "Mr Universe ?   
\- Yes ! Yes, it's me."

She shook his hand, presented herself and showed him the way to her room.

The first thing Steven saw was the white wall to the right of the door covered with many drawings (with paints, with pens, with pencils and with felts) of bubbles of different colors : yellow, blue, red, green, black, all around the tinted window. Sometimes, the green bubble was bigger than the others, sometimes the yellow one hid the blue, the green and the tiny black and red. But sometimes the black one was huge, the others dots. Or the red was only a round scribble over the hints of the other colors.   
No drawings were alike.

Left to the door was a sofa, white and grey, with lots of pillows and plaids, surrounded by many, many plants installed on the wall.   
In front of the sofa was an armchair with a bedside table next to it, probably the therapist's chair, and a soft green carpet between them. When the doctor closed the door, Steven could see behind it the wooden desk, again with some tiny plants, succulents, a chair behind and in front.

Finally, on the wall opposite the door, a big bookcase was set, and the books were arranged by colors forming a beautiful rainbow gosh there were so many colors in this office.

"You can sit down."   
Gosh the sofa was so comfortable.   
"So... said the therapist. Tell me why are you here ?"   
Deep breath.   
"IIIIIIIIII... waaaaaaaas... eating ice-cream happy in my home but they cancelled it and it made me blue, so instead I hanged out with my family but realized they had issues. Crystal Gems, in Beach City, are half of my really big family, and their issues are because of my Mother but that's not why I'm here !   
\- Oooookay.   
\- I mean, I don't want to talk about my Mom, it's not relevant.   
\- We won't then.   
\- Wait... Really ?"

Well, that was a first. Therapists used to make him talk about his parents and his Gems family as a priority.

"Maybe not right now. Right now, I need you to make yourself comfortable, and I don't think you need your jacket to talk to me, even if it looks cool."

Steven couldn't help but laugh at her comment and took off his jacket to put it on one armrest of the sofa.

"Oh, it's a star ! said enthusiastically the therapist.   
\- Yeah I... kinda like this symbol... Why... What did you think it was ?   
\- With your jacket, it seemed like a reversed heart."

"What is wrong with you ? Oh you know, the usual""You never call you never write""I've been growing pink""your friends drifting away""you stay here with the others and I'll be right back""PLEASE DON'T LEAVE""you used to have vengeful thoughts""when you change, you change for the better, when I change, I change FOR WORST"

"Steven ? Can I call you Steven ?"   
Steven looked back at the doctor, shaken. His thoughts wondered over Spinel for some reason, why would he think about Spinel right now it was silly it was supposed to be about his problems and his problems with Spinel were over... right ?   
"Yes, yes you can call me... Steven.   
\- Are you alright ?   
\- I'm fine.   
\- Not to be dramatic but you wouldn't be here if you were fine."

Point taken.

"Let's start why something easier... How did you get here ?   
\- What do you mean ?   
\- How did you know about me ?   
\- Oh ! Well it's... thanks to my Dad, or more likely my friend's Dad, or more like I have a friend who's named Sadie and she have a partner called Shep and Sadie and Shep form a band and my Dad is their manager and they knew I was looking for a therapist so Shep told to my Dad about you.   
\- And... your Dad made an appointment ?   
\- Yes !   
\- Okay ! And why did your Dad think you needed to see me ?   
\- It wasn't just you, he made a lot of appointments so I could see a lot of therapist.   
\- Wow, I'm offended.   
\- No, chuckled Steven. I mean, I had some troubles with the others therapists so... we kept searching.   
\- We ?   
\- Yeah, me, my Dad, Connie..."

The doctor tilted her head like she was trying to make sense of all of this.

"Why does your Dad think you need to see a therapist ?   
\- It's... because I turned into a monster."

She waited.

"Quite literally actually, see I'm, well, I'm part Gem so I have strange powers and these powers took over me but it's not really my Gem's fault it's more like my subconsciousness, everyone think, and I agree with them but it's hard to find a therapist who can deal with the Gem stuff and the human stuff.   
\- Oh, I can deal with it.   
\- R... Really ?   
\- Yeah ! And like you said, your subconsciousness had an impact on your Gem's powers, just like subconsciousness has an impact on human bodies. I will learn how your Gem works and what your powers mean and then I can help you figure things out about your mind. So, tell me... How did you have your Gem ?   
\- It's... from my Mom. She gave up her life so I could live mine.   
\- That's very kind of her.   
\- That's the only kind thing she ever made."

It slipped out. Steven didn't even think before he spoke.   
Why did he say that ? It's not about...

"I know I said we wouldn't talk about her but I'm sorry, I need to know one thing Steven. Did your Mom hurt you ?   
\- No. I mean, how could she ? She disappeared when I was born. So no she didn't hurt me personally but she hurt too many people !   
\- And what do YOU do when someone hurt someone else ? Do you hurt them back ?   
\- No !"

He bubbled Bismuth. He poofed Spinel. He shattered Jasper. He tried to destroy White Diamond.

"Or do you hurt yourself ?"

He burned his foot with Bismuth. He let Spinel hit him. He punched rocks with his bare hands with Jasper. And deep down he knew, he KNEW that with White Diamond, it only had been him, him being the giant, him being the puppet. He wanted to crush his own head.

"I... I... I... I WISH I COULD !"

And he turned pink.


	3. Gravity Home

"Steven ? Look at me Steven. Look at me.  
\- I'm sorry I'm sorry don't get closer !  
\- You're in a safe place, you have nothing to worry...  
\- No place is safe if I'm there."

He said it. He hoped it wasn't true but everything indicated to the contrary.

"Steven, take deep breath. Now, tell me 5 things that you can see."

Steven followed her advice and slowly he looked up, saw the concern on the therapist's face but no... no fear.   
Nothing.   
She wasn't scared of him.   
And behind her...

"I see the paintings on the wall. I see the window."

She smiled at him, encouraging him to continue.   
He watched her face.

"I see your earrings... are they... cats ?  
\- Yes. Two more things. Don't forget to breathe.  
\- I see the carpet. I see my flip-flops.  
\- Good, now 4 things you can touch.  
\- My jeans. The sofa. The cushion. My face.  
\- Okay, take deep breaths, and 3 things you can hear.  
\- Your voice."

He was holding on her voice.

"The birds outside. The sound of my feet on the carpet.  
\- Almost there Steven. Two things you can smell.  
\- Lavender. And... sun cream ?  
\- That's on me. One thing you can taste ?  
\- N... No ? I brushed my teeth before so I... Oh... my toothpaste !  
\- There you go."

He looked at his hands, back to normal, if anything could be normal in Steven's life. Then he looked at the therapist and again at the wall.

"What are these drawings by the way ? It's... abstract ?  
\- No, it's a little exercise my patients does. Every day they make a drawing about how they feel. See, yellow is joy, blue is sadness, red is anger, green is serenity, black is fear. Then, they come to see me with one of their drawings to talk about it. It's very effective when you feel confused. Do you want to try ?  
\- Thanks but... it's hard for me to put together colors with feelings.  
\- What do you mean ?  
\- I don't know it's just... for me yellow is anger. Blue is serenity. Green is... disgust ?  
\- And pink ?"

He swallowed.

"I don't know. I just hope I will never be like that again.  
\- I'm sorry Steven but that's not how it works.  
\- What ?  
\- You, turning pink like you just did. You were frightened by it and I kind of understand why. You feel like you're losing control, like you're losing yourself and moreover your powers... you're scared to lose someone else in the process too. And maybe one day you will never feel like that again, you will never turn pink again... but that's not a certainty you should rely on.  
\- Then in what should I rely on ?  
\- Me."

Steven laughed sadly. It was the stupidest joke he had ever heard.

"I don't even know you.  
\- That's the all point. I'm supposed to take care of you in a professional way, and you can tell me everything even if I'm not your friend... especially because I'm not your friend. I'm not someone you have to pretend to be strong in front of.  
\- What if YOU are not strong enough ?  
\- That's my responsibility. Not yours."

Responsibility. That word again. Why did that word strike again ?

"And why do you think I'm not strong enough ? I may not look like it but there are a thousand ways to have strength."

"Patience is strength", screamed a voice in Steven's head, a voice he forgot the past few days. He knew that. He knew all the things the therapist said. Sometimes he even was the one who told them. So why... why was it so hard to listen ?

"You have no idea what I can do.  
\- You said earlier that you turned into a monster. What kind of monster were you ?  
\- You see that old movie where a giant lizard smashed giant buildings ? I was like it.  
\- Because you believed so much you were a monster, you turned into one ?  
\- I turned into one because I AM a monster. I pretend to be a good person but... I'm fake. I mean, I lied all my life ! Otherwise, how could I destroyed everything I worked hard for when I was a kid in a snap ?  
\- You didn't destroy everything.  
\- Yes I did ! I claimed that all life are precious but... I tore apart an entire forest, I almost killed someone and I wanted to crush a member of my family !  
\- Did you hold a grudge against them ?  
\- Ye... Yeah but that's not a reason to... It's..."

It wasn't their fault... was it ?

"There is no reason to be violent, of course. Nobody deserve it. But you didn't want to be violent, you wanted to be bad. You wanted to have bad thoughts about someone.  
\- But that's not right.  
\- It's not right if you follow those thoughts. It's not right if you suffer from those thoughts either. And by what I see, you were more hurt than the people you say you hurt. Because you believed you were horrible to have them.  
\- Or maybe I had them all along. Like... Connie... my friend... Her mom is a doctor and she said to me that those reactions were maybe because of a trauma that I kept to myself and... I pretended to be fine, to be a good kid so everyone could be happy but now that everyone is happy, I don't have to pretend so... Who am I ? How am I ? WHAT AM I TO FAKE MY ENTIRE LIFE ???  
\- Steven...  
\- WHO IS STEVEN ?"

The room started to shake. How. Why. It was the first time. Mostly, Steven didn't talk that much about his feelings but more about his powers, and he often sat silently while therapists explained to him how trauma was possible. But... This therapist... pushed the right buttons... No... Maybe Steven was going to turn into a monster again ? No no no no no...

"There will never be a moment in your life when you'll truly say 'I am Steven Universe'."

That wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"When you say that, you're just saying a name, continued the therapist. Not a fact, not a truth, not something set in stone because... you will always be different. You will always change. And you can't go back. Why would you go back ?  
\- I miss the kid I once was."

Why was it so difficult to say ? While it was so obvious.

"I miss Cookie Cat. I miss the time I spent only caring about my video games, about my TV shows. I miss being worried about if I could have friends. I miss homeschool, I miss homework, I miss having normal dreams about Dogcopter, I miss watching Dogcopter. I... I don't even sing anymore.  
\- You sang ? she said softly. What kind of songs ?  
\- Songs... about love, about respect, about self-esteem.  
\- About you ?  
\- Yeah, actually I think the last one I sang is about me."

No, he lied. The last song he sang was for Connie, but he didn't want to think about it.

"Can you sing it for me ?  
\- Wh... Why ?  
\- I just want to know how you feel about yourself.  
\- I can... tell you the lyrics. It's a very short song."

I don't need you to respect me I respect me (except no after all he didn't take care of himself wasn't it the reason why he was here now ?)  
I don't need you to love me I love me (did he ? did he ? did he love the monster inside him ?)  
But I want you to know you could know me (no, no that's not good, no one should know Steven)  
If you change your mind...

He wrote that song after everything. He wrote that song after he stopped the war. He wrote that song after all those bad events that happened into his life.   
How ? How did he do it ?

Steven was about to fall into despair when the therapist said :  
"I'm sorry Steven but... it's still not about you.  
\- What do you mean ?  
\- It's about what people think of you, but it's not about you. Are you sure you never sang something about your story ? Your memories ?  
\- Well maybe... I imagined a song when I was in Homeworld, about how I felt like I had the same childhood than... my... mom.  
\- It always come back to your mom, huh ?  
\- It took a lot of years to be sure that I wasn't my Mom.  
\- Then... let's begin with that. Since you don't know who you are, let's start with who you aren't. Tell me how you realized you weren't your Mom.  
\- I don't know. What if you see something I didn't ?  
\- I'm not here to judge you."

That felt right. That felt so right, and the young man didn't know why but he understood that this little sentence was all he was waiting for.

"Tell me your story, Steven."

He didn't know if they had enough time, he didn't know if it would help. But she smiled at him and it felt... comfortable.   
His story.   
Yeah.   
He could do that.

"It all started the first time my gem glowed. After I ate a Cookie Cat."


	4. Shine

Since it was his first session with her, Steven stayed for an hour and a half, telling her everything.  
Absolutely everything.

How he used his mom's cannon, how he made a mascot alive, how he met Connie, how he used time-travel, how Amethyst's body reacted to her Gem's crack, how he discovered his new powers, how he saved Lapis Lazuli, how he became Stevonnie, how he fought Jasper. Sometimes, the therapist stopped him to say : "Can I tell you something ?" or "Can I ask you something ?" and she gave him advices about how he could react to that kind of trauma. That was the strangest thing, to realize that some happy memories made him sad, that some plain events made him scared. But the therapist helped him and Steven thought they were handling it pretty well.

He was about to explain to her what happened after his jailbreak and the disappearance of Jasper and Lapis when she raised her hand and said : "I think that's enough for today.  
\- But... we didn't talk about my outbursts...  
\- I know but at least now I can see why you were so worried to be a bad person. You were such a good kid.  
\- Were...  
\- Yeah, you're not a kid anymore, right ? You're almost an adult, a human adult. But doing bad things doesn't make us bad person. Gem or human. So why don't you allow yourself to make mistakes ?  
\- I have... such powers. If I make a mistake, it will become a big one.  
\- You don't need to have powers to make a huge mistake.  
\- Really ? laughed Steven sarcastically. I almost destroyed my house because of one of my mistakes.  
\- And I almost destroyed a town."

An eery silence fell into the room. Steven wondered for a second if she was lying but that was how he realized. He realized the reason why he went loose around this therapist, why he felt... free ? free enough to become pink ? He realized that her eyes were the same than his. Soft, compassionate, optimist and sometimes full of stars (he saw them when he told her that he found a pink lion), but also deep, strong and old, like she saw too many things for her age.

The reason why he was comfortable around her.   
He was like her.

It seemed impossible for Steven that a human was like him, he was half-Gem after all, but he couldn't deny it anymore. He was also half-human. And his struggles weren't unique. His struggles were human too. That was all he needed : to learn how being human.

"You really are afraid to turn into a monster again, aren't you ?  
\- I don't want to hurt anyone.  
\- You could... unwind while you are isolated ? Have you ever turned pink alone ?  
\- No, I... I always turned pink in front of someone.  
\- BECAUSE of someone."

He looked at her. She knew. She always knew.

"Do you want to know why ?  
\- Yes.  
\- I have a patient, kind and selfless. Too selfless. One day he felt so bad that he said really mean things to his family. They never saw him like this, they were scared. But they understood that something was wrong, that they needed help, that he needed help. He started to talk to me and he was kind again. But differently. Do you know what happened ?  
\- He swallowed up his anger ?  
\- No. Everybody has the right to be angry. But if you don't take care of this anger, it will consume you. It's like painting your life yellow beyond every other colors, so you can't see that the red one is growing, until it's too late. And then all you can see is red, overflowing the frame. You need to distribute the colors wisely. You can't feel only one emotion, because if you do, you can't see the others. Do you get what I say ?  
\- You know... I'm used to see... to BE one color like... my friends... my Gem friends... they are only one color too.  
\- People have multiple faces, Steven. Multiple personalities. Multiples sides. Multiple colors. Human or Gem, they are like rainbows which colors shine when you light the dark areas. Don't you think ?  
\- Maybe.  
\- For so long, the only face you had was "the good kid" one. And it's hard to grow up after being such a good kid. After being perfect, and believing that you would make a perfect world too. Then you were lost because everyone were leaving you. I think that you became more violent because you thought that being kind lead you nowhere. That you didn't deserve the pessimist future you imagined. You were angry, so you started to be bad, to be a monster who did deserve that future and... Gosh you put so much pressure on you. Not only when you were a child but also now. You think your happiness depend on how good you are, how flawless you are. Right ?"

In a way, he looked like White Diamond.

"What happened to your patient ? asked Steven who didn't want to think about something else.  
\- He hated himself."

Smashed his face.

"He hated himself so much, he wanted everyone around him to hate him too."

Familiar, why does it sound familiar.

"So, deep inside, this rage against his family was a rage against himself. A rage he wanted them to hear. This was a cry for help."

A roar.

"Can I help you, Steven ?"

He looked at her, looked at her eyes. Her eyes who were screaming "LET ME HELP YOU".

"I think you obviously want to know more about how I've been ungrounded from TV.  
\- Again, this is for you, not for someone else that you're doing therapy."

But she laughed when she said that and Steven wondered if he could trust someone like that again and if he wasn't scared to be pink in front of her again and if he would allow her to see what he hid to the ones he loved for so long and yes he was ready he needed to talk and he wanted to talk to her.

"Yes, I want to, he finally said. When can I see you again ?  
\- Well, since it's the beginning, we should see each other once per week. So I can see you next Wednesday, same time. Is that okay for you ?  
\- It's perfect."

He shook her hand, his mind lightened somehow as he grew impatient to tell his Dad, to tell Ms. Maheswaran, to tell Connie, to tell the Gems, to tell everyone that he found, he found his therapist.


	5. Works to do

It could have taken 7 years, or 35 hours non-stop, to Steven for telling his entire story to his therapist, but it actually took seven sessions. He talked fast, his memories flashing in front of his eyes and he talked about it, resumed it, told it like a story he knew by heart. But also like a weight on his shoulders he was eager to leave.

He talked about Peridot, he talked about Connie's training, he talked about the Cluster, about Malachite, about Bismuth, about Smokey Quartz, about the Moon, about Stevonnie's guilt. About how everything was clear is his head back then but not anymore why not anymore.  
"Because you had less problems back then. The fact that it was easy in the past doesn't mean it will be easy in the future. But don't worry, we will figure it out."

He talked about Andy DeMayo, he talked about Blue Diamond, he talked about the Zoo, he talked about his Mom's key. Gosh he desperately wanted his life to have a purpose it was wrong it was so wrong.  
"It happens to everyone to want a purpose, Steven. That's why it's terrifying to realize you weren't born with a gift or with a function, like Gems were. But that's also what's amazing about life. You can't find a purpose, but you can build one."

He talked about Aquamarine, he talked about the trial, he talked about the fact that his Mom probably killed someone and that he was the one to pay for that. He talked about Lars, he talked about Lars' death. He talked about Sadie, he talked about Connie again, he talked about Lapis again, he talked about his Mom again... and then he talked about Pink Diamond, he talked about how his Mom was Pink Diamond, he talked about the wedding. He talked about Homeworld, about the Diamonds, about White Diamond... and finally he talked about his Gem. Or at least, his part-human and his part-Gem.  
"Wow.  
\- Yeah.  
\- That... must have been intense, Steven.  
\- I felt... relieved actually. I finally knew what was going on inside me. And you know... sometimes I wish I could talk to my Gem. To understand.  
\- Why would you need to split yourself in two to understand yourself ? That doesn't seem very healthy. And that sounds lonely too.  
\- I guess.  
\- I have a question, about your Gem. Did your Gem hurt you ?  
\- No."  
He was sure about that. Well... really ?  
"I mean... except when I'm panicking but... I don't know.  
\- I think it's trying to protect you."  
She said, with that smile that was easing Steven for the past few months.  
"Like, your Gem's response is glowing pink, making you bigger, faster... stronger. To protect you.  
\- Because I'm feeling like my world is collapsing."

This was his favorite moments of the sessions. When everything started to make sense.

Then he talked about his two years in space, with the Diamonds, the Diamonds who changed for him and maybe it wasn't the right reason but it worked and everything worked and everything was fine and he finally had his happily ever after but who was he kidding.  
"There's no happily ever after, right ? he said.  
\- No Steven.  
\- No yellow canvas forever.  
\- That would be too bright."

He talked about another mistake his Mom made. He talked about the Gems who forgot everything, about his powers who left him, about the garden, about Spinel. Spinel Spinel Spinel. Who was like him. He was like her. Gosh, he messed things up with her.  
"I left her with the Diamonds. They are the reason why my Mom broke so many things but I left her with them.  
\- You can't save everyone, Steven.  
\- I spent my entire life saying that you need to love yourself, but to her I said that she needed someone else. And I knew she was obsessed... This was not the right thing to do...  
\- Maybe you did the wrong thing because deep down you knew she was exactly like what you could become.  
\- What I DID become.  
\- You were terrified. You were back to what you hated the most about your past, facing what you were scared the most about your future. It's okay. You're here now, talking with me. We will find a solution. Smart people don't make problems, but solutions."

He talked about Little Homeschool, he talked about Volleyball, he talked about the graduation, he talked about his cactus. His cactus who went berserk just like he would. His cactus who just needed a hug. Why did he understand his cactus, but not himself ?  
"You're here now, talking to me."

He talked about Peridot again, about Bismuth again, about Connie again, and about Connie's mum, about his Dad, and then about the Diamonds who completely changed, even their powers changed and they tried to help him but it didn't help him at all.  
"Why ? It helped Spinel but... it didn't help me...  
\- You know, their new powers, it's just a facade. It can help you but it can't change you. Yellow's power brings the body back but the Gem is still cracked. Blue's power makes you feel happiness but you aren't actually happy. And White's power... she can share her body but that doesn't mean she shares her mind. BUT... it's a start. It's the first step.  
\- I don't want to leave Spinel at the first step. I really want to help her. Telling her she could change for the best was only a first step too, I guess...  
\- She probably wanted to change for the best since the very beginning to react that way.  
\- Really ?  
\- Yes ! You think nothing remains, but that's not true. Things don't just disappear, whether it is bad... or good.  
\- She was so scared that I leave her behind even when she lost her memories."

It was making sense.

He talked about Jasper. About how the Gem emphasized all his fears. To be weak. To be pitiful. To be alone. He talked about her destruction. She didn't judge him. He already understood why he did this. He wanted to see how far he could go with his powers. He wanted to see how far he could go in his madness. He wanted to erase Jasper as much as he wanted to erase his fears. But that wasn't that simple. That was the reason why he was talking to her. And she was listening to him. She didn't judge him. She simply watched him cry.

"I... I don't want to become like my Mum."

He said in his breath, in the eighth session they had. Because there again, it was all about his Mum.

"Every time I have a bad thought about someone, every time I want to crash something, every time I break something, I only think about my Mom, about how I'm more and more like her. And I don't want to.  
\- You told me that when you were young, she seemed like a good person...  
\- She was, I think.  
\- Okay Steven. Imagine if you could see your mother right now. And by that I mean the last version of herself. Would you trust her ?  
\- She hurt so many people.  
\- I'm not talking about forgiveness, I'm talking about trust."  
Trust her. Give her a secret. Leave his life in her hands. Hold her in his arms. A leader, a diamond, a warrior, a lover, a liar but most importantly... his Mom.  
"Yes, I would trust her.  
\- See ? So maybe your mother wasn't that bad at the end. You would trust her even though you know everything about her.  
\- You think it's okay if I look like her ?  
\- I think you should stop worrying to become someone you're not. You're unique. Your experience may be like others, but you are your own person. You are Steven Universe. And together, we will work to make you greater than you already are."

And they did.


	6. Teach them how to say goodbye

"Hello Steven ! How have you been for two weeks ? Last time I saw you, your dad planned a meeting with your great-parents."

It had been six months that Steven was seeing his therapist and things were going... pretty well. Of course, they had ups and downs, floating in the air or crying or even glowing pink, but generally Steven felt some stability that he appreciated so much.

"It was weird. I mean, my Dad's parents are great but I understand why he wanted to be away from them. Also understood why my Dad and my Mom were getting along. They learned from each other but they also went through the same thing.  
\- It was helpful, then ?  
\- Yeah, it helped me to reconnect with my human side. And I really needed this because... actually I... I asked Connie to be my girlfriend.  
\- Oh my gosh, Steven !"

Steven knew his therapist was supposed to be objective... but he also knew how much she adored romance. And she also loved Connie.

"I think I'm done building a relationship with Connie based on our implication with the Crystal Gems or on our fusion or everything Gem-related, really. I just want to be human around her because I love being with her because I love her.  
\- I'm so proud of you Steven."

It wasn't the first time she said it, but it still felt warm inside Steven's chest.

"You know, I used to think that you were the only one... the only human who could get me. But now I listen to Connie, and I listen to other people and I realized that a lot of human are like me.  
\- Because you are human.  
\- Because I am human. But also mostly because I am alive."

Alive. He clung to this word. He loved it.

"Which brings me to something I really want to talk about today."

He took a piece of paper from his bag, a drawing that he made, and gave it to the therapist. She smiled. There were a yellow bubble in the middle of the paper, a great one but not to big. It was surrounded by a black circle, clearly visible but not too big either. At the upper right was another big bubble, but green, and at the upper right a small bubble, a blue one. And centre below, there was a small red point.

"This is the drawing I made when I decided to leave Beach City."

For the first time since he knew her, the therapist watched him with her mouth wide open.

"It's not... I don't feel like I'm fleeing Beach City, but it's still a big road-trip that I want to have and it's just... I want to discover things by my own, and maybe one day find the place where I could settle even if it's... I don't know I haven't decide everything yet, I still wanted to be sure if we could do that... like...  
\- Oh we definitely can do video conferences, of course."

Now she was smiling.

"Yes. Yes you're right. This is... Well this is... the natural order of things. This is logical.  
\- You think I can do it ?  
\- YES ! What can stop you ?  
\- I... Maybe I don't want to take my responsibilities in Beach City.  
\- You don't have responsibilities in Beach City. You're responsible but only to your life.  
\- I will be on my own. Can I take care of myself alone ?  
\- You will never be alone, Steven. I will call you. Connie will call you. Your Dad will call you. If you need help, we will be here.  
\- If I need help that much, why do I want to leave everything ?  
\- You don't leave everything, you're moving on. You're discovering the changes around you, around the world and inside you. You want to be part of that big moving universe. And you could travel and cross the path of your friends on the way.  
\- Everything stays but it keeps changing.  
\- Exactly."

Steven looked at the new plants growing in the therapist's room, plants that Spinel gave to her. She started therapy two months ago, and she went back to the garden to clean the mess and to make another one. She didn't have her heart right side out again, but things weren't supposed to go back the way they were anyway. She looked less sad, though, her black tears disappearing little by little. Spinel liked to talk to Steven about the therapy, and he went to see the Diamonds with her more often, giving advice about their new powers, healing Gems, having fun in the clouds, making amends with White. This was going swell.

"I'm worried... that I make my friends feel the same way I did when I thought everyone was leaving me.  
\- How did you feel ?  
\- Empty."

It was easier to put word to Steven's feeling these days. Way much easier.

"You felt that way because your mind wasn't in the right place. Because you were stuck in the dark which prevented you to follow them. But they're not. They will be sad of course, you're one of the best things that happened to them. But by leaving, you're showing them a way."

Steven knew all that. That was why he wanted to go, but he still wanted his therapist's approbation somehow. It reassured him. But maybe one day he would not need it anymore.

"Do you want me to help you organize your travel, then ?  
\- I would love too.  
\- Then I have a question. You always pay me in cash. Will you pay your transport in cash too ? Will go around the country with a suitcase full of notes ?  
\- No I have a credit card, he laughed. And I want to drive anyway. But... I think I will need a driver license...  
\- You don't have a driver license ????  
\- Technically I have one but it's difficult for the town council to make mine because... well... I don't have an ID card.  
\- YOU DON'T HAVE????"

The therapist took deep breaths, closed her hands like in a prayer and then opened her eyes before taking an elastic around her wrist and making a ponytail with her hair, revealing the shooting star tattoo on one side of her shaved head that Steven already saw once.

"You mean you have no papers, she continued.  
\- I didn't need papers to travel the galaxy.  
\- Touché. But you will need some to make your road-trip. And I don't want your motivation to go down because administration is complicated and takes time. I could help you. Making papers I mean. At least your ID.  
\- You're not only a therapist ? he laughed.  
\- Steven, there's something you need to know about me."

Now Steven was worried.

"I'm... from another dimension."

Oh. It wasn't that bad.

"You... fled ?  
\- No, she said, still smiling. I moved on."

When he would be ready, he would fly out of there. Seeing new skies, discovering new horizons, watching new concerts, feeling new colors, meeting new people. With his ID card with his name on it, the name he was taming. With his hair which were less a mess. With his mind stepping into the present. Knowing that the stars would welcome him with open arms. Time would trace his face before he finally felt at home in a place. But until then, he was preparing his travel. His journey. On his own. Knowing that his family would help him, that his friends would help him, that his girlfriend would help, that his therapist would help him.   
This wasn't the end.   
This was the beginning.

And when two weeks later, when Steven closed Dr. Pines' door one last time with her numbers and the date for their next session, he saw his yellow and black drawing framed on the wall. He clenched his bag harder, his bag containing his papers, his map, his diary, his novels, his notebook, his agenda. He was ready. He was looking forward to take another step. And a lot of other steps. He wanted to go far.  
He would find a way.   
He believed in himself.   
Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steven Universe, here you go.
> 
> What am I supposed to do without you ? How am I supposed to learn things if you're not here ? Where can I find a safe place if you're not around ? How am I supposed to be a better person if you don't show me the way ?  
> I can't save anyone, I can't save the world, I can't even save myself, I'm just a regular person who is only good at telling stories (I hope) and who doesn't know where to fit and I'm stuck in my house and I can't help anyone and I feel useless.  
> But then I remember that sometimes you felt the same. And you have done so many things anyway. Then I remember that my favorite things that you have done was Peridot's development. How she discovered Earth and how amazing it was, and how amazing every living creatures were just because they were here.  
> It made me feel so special, I wanted to see myself through your eyes forever.  
> Special.  
> But you didn't use your incredible powers to do that, to show Peridot another way, to change her mind. So... maybe... I can do it too.  
> I can be better. I can be a Peridot. I can make the world a better place just by being there. I can grow and learn things by my own. I can make friends and teach them stuff, and they can teach me stuff, I can write stories online and make people laugh and cry. I can be great by being myself, and I can be better by taking my own way.  
> I wanted to help you the same way you helped me, I wanted to be a part of your journey of recovery even if, in a way, it's me who recover by writing this fanfiction.  
> I wanted to make you proud, Steven.  
> I can make you proud.  
> I can be the Steven I want to see in the world.


End file.
